How Can I Tell Someone I Just Want To Be Friends?

‘How can I tell a Christian friend who has fallen in love with me, that I just want to stay friends? I feel like I’m being dishonest by not telling them how I really feel about them, but on the other hand I don’t want to hurt their feelings. What should I do?’ R

It’s an extremely awkward situation when you suddenly become aware that one of your friends has begun to regard you with romantic affection – and that they want to begin a relationship with you. You may have become aware of their emotional shift through their words and actions, or they may have confessed their feelings for you outright.

However it comes about, what can you do when you don’t share their feelings – and when you just want to keep things as they always were?

You probably don’t want to hear this, but this situation is unfortunately one of those times where you need to act as quickly and with as much integrity as possible. To keep the other person dangling is extremely cruel. As soon as you know for sure how they feel about you, you need to act.

Subtle hints most likely won’t work. We tend to overlook obstacles when we’re in love, so your little comments such as ‘I’m so happy being single right now’ and ‘I’m so blessed to have you as a friend [and nothing more]’ probably won’t deter them from seeking a relationship with you.

You need to tell the other person, openly and immediately, that you aren’t romantically interested in him or her.

But before you speak to the other person, make sure that you pray first. Ask God for the right words to say and ask Him to help the other person in their disappointment. There’s no shame in either loving someone (as in the case of your friend) or in not returning their love (as in your case). By being open and honest, you can each walk away without feeling any shame that you’ve acted sinfully or wrongly.

After you’ve gently but firmly explained how you feel, give the other person some breathing space. No matter how kindly you’ve turn them down, they may be hurt and need some time alone. But make it clear that you still love them as a friend and that you are there for them. Continue to pray for them the whole time.

Friendships can survive hiccups like this; they may even become stronger through them. Ask God to help you to learn the lessons that He wants you to learn from this situation.

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